Funniest Police Report Ever!
Did you ever wonder what happened to Gretchen Wilson"? Now you know. This article is one of the
funniest things we've ever read.
Click here to read the article from The Smoking Gun
How to get everything in college for free.
How to get laid in college
I know you don’t get laid. Look at you, you’re sitting at a computer in your underwear reading this blog. Who would fuck you? You are pathetic. I’m sorry, please take the gun out of your mouth. I don’t have enough readers to afford losing one. I’m not saying this just to insult you (though I do enjoy it); I’m saying this to help. The following is how to get laid in college.
2 . Have a gimmick: College campuses across the nation are polluted with punk rock guys, frat “bros”, jocks, hipsters and many other various flavors of assholes who dress and act a certain way to “be different”. These guys are almost always retarded, personality-less, douchebags. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret, GIRLS LOVE DOUCHEBAGS! No one gets more tang than an Australian foreign exchange student with the “cute” accent, or the polo shirt, horned rimmed glasses wearing black guy that you could almost bring home to daddy (if you’re daddy wasn’t a giant racist). Figure out what kind of chick you are attracted to, or better yet, figure out what kind of girl you think you have a chance with, then mold your appearance and personality to that style. Remember guys, faux personality and “originality” works. Being yourself means that you are going to spend another weekend alone in the dorm whacking it to Western European pornography. Be someone different.
3. Be an Asshole: Like I said before, girls love douchebags. But even more than douchebags, girls love assholes. Tell the girl you like that she has an annoying voice then call her fat or say she has a disproportionately large head for her body. She may act angry, but deep down she loves it. If she calls you an asshole, you know you are doing something right. I would never advocate physical abuse towards a woman because it’s wrong and it’s way too easy to be traced back to you, but a little mental abuse has never hurt a broad (I don’t think). If the girl still rejects you after being an asshole to her, you will need to step up your game. Start by fucking her friend, and if that doesn't work, fuck another one of her friends. Don't worry about looks either, if you really like this girl prove it by fucking her biggest, fattest, ugliest friend. If that doesn't work, I don't know, fuck her roommate, her sister or her mom or something. And if none of that works, who gives a shit, you fucked a lot of chicks
4. Go on a cunting trip: What is cunting you ask? When your out at the club, walk up to the bar and order a drink. Take said drink and drop 2-5 “panty dropping pills” in the cup, depending on the size of the prey. Walk over to an empty table and sit the drink down. Walk to a near by table (not too nearby, just close enough to watch the drink) sit down, wait, and see what you catch. This works for frat guys all of the time.
If none of this works, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe you should get a hooker or turn gay. Have you ever considered killing yourself?
- Be good looking or have a huge dick: I cannot stress enough how important this step is to getting laid. But, since you are reading a blog on the internet and not actually having sex right now, I assume that you are neither. I know what you are saying, “But, what about being smart? College girls want a guy that can take care of them in the future”. This may have been true in 1957, but girls in college today are looking for hot guys with donkey dicks. I don’t care what your mother told you, girls will not like you for your brains. Have you ever heard a girl say “Like, oh my god, you are, like, um, so totally smart! Can my friend Missy give you a blowjob while I lick your asshole!? Please?
2 . Have a gimmick: College campuses across the nation are polluted with punk rock guys, frat “bros”, jocks, hipsters and many other various flavors of assholes who dress and act a certain way to “be different”. These guys are almost always retarded, personality-less, douchebags. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret, GIRLS LOVE DOUCHEBAGS! No one gets more tang than an Australian foreign exchange student with the “cute” accent, or the polo shirt, horned rimmed glasses wearing black guy that you could almost bring home to daddy (if you’re daddy wasn’t a giant racist). Figure out what kind of chick you are attracted to, or better yet, figure out what kind of girl you think you have a chance with, then mold your appearance and personality to that style. Remember guys, faux personality and “originality” works. Being yourself means that you are going to spend another weekend alone in the dorm whacking it to Western European pornography. Be someone different.
3. Be an Asshole: Like I said before, girls love douchebags. But even more than douchebags, girls love assholes. Tell the girl you like that she has an annoying voice then call her fat or say she has a disproportionately large head for her body. She may act angry, but deep down she loves it. If she calls you an asshole, you know you are doing something right. I would never advocate physical abuse towards a woman because it’s wrong and it’s way too easy to be traced back to you, but a little mental abuse has never hurt a broad (I don’t think). If the girl still rejects you after being an asshole to her, you will need to step up your game. Start by fucking her friend, and if that doesn't work, fuck another one of her friends. Don't worry about looks either, if you really like this girl prove it by fucking her biggest, fattest, ugliest friend. If that doesn't work, I don't know, fuck her roommate, her sister or her mom or something. And if none of that works, who gives a shit, you fucked a lot of chicks
4. Go on a cunting trip: What is cunting you ask? When your out at the club, walk up to the bar and order a drink. Take said drink and drop 2-5 “panty dropping pills” in the cup, depending on the size of the prey. Walk over to an empty table and sit the drink down. Walk to a near by table (not too nearby, just close enough to watch the drink) sit down, wait, and see what you catch. This works for frat guys all of the time.
If none of this works, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe you should get a hooker or turn gay. Have you ever considered killing yourself?
Is there an app for that?
If iPhones are really the future of technology, then someone is going to have to create a device that holds my phone while I masturbate. Or, I'm going to have to become more convincing when I ask people to hold my phone for me, because that guy on the bus was not very helpful. Steve jobs invented portable technology that changed the way the world communicates, but he can't answer "where do I put my phone while I whack it?". Mr. Jobs, you are going to have to step up your game.
Apple should create a device that straps to your neck and displays the phone in front of your face providing easy hands free access. I call it the "masturbation station", or the iWhack. The name is still in beta. This could be the next billion dollar product for Apple corporation. Next year at T.E.D., Steve Jobs should walk out on stage with evil genius turtleneck, this device around his head and his pants around his ankles. Imagine the commercials, the PC standing with his limp dick in his hand and a phone in the other, while that guy that is boning Drew Barrymore is tugging away effortlessly with the help of his spankpod (or whatever Mr. Jobs decides to call it). "What's wrong PC?" "Nothing" "Really? Because you dick looks really flaccid" "I think it is just cold in here. Do you care to give me a hand?" No can do, I'm busy jerking my pud on my iphone" "But, it will only take a-" The screen cuts to white, the mac moans and spluges on the screen in the shape of the apple logo. Goddamnit, I’m a fucking genius! Not only did I create a revolutionary device, I created an excellent marketing campaign for said device. Are you listening Steve Jobs!? I just printed you a check for one billion dollars.
Apple should create a device that straps to your neck and displays the phone in front of your face providing easy hands free access. I call it the "masturbation station", or the iWhack. The name is still in beta. This could be the next billion dollar product for Apple corporation. Next year at T.E.D., Steve Jobs should walk out on stage with evil genius turtleneck, this device around his head and his pants around his ankles. Imagine the commercials, the PC standing with his limp dick in his hand and a phone in the other, while that guy that is boning Drew Barrymore is tugging away effortlessly with the help of his spankpod (or whatever Mr. Jobs decides to call it). "What's wrong PC?" "Nothing" "Really? Because you dick looks really flaccid" "I think it is just cold in here. Do you care to give me a hand?" No can do, I'm busy jerking my pud on my iphone" "But, it will only take a-" The screen cuts to white, the mac moans and spluges on the screen in the shape of the apple logo. Goddamnit, I’m a fucking genius! Not only did I create a revolutionary device, I created an excellent marketing campaign for said device. Are you listening Steve Jobs!? I just printed you a check for one billion dollars.